My Mother : My Madness and Her Cooking

The Macaroni
One time last year, I was eating a plate of macaroni our mother baked for us, I was in front of my laptop doing something I can't remember and then for a moment I was staring at the macaroni and tears just began flowing from my eyes. It reminded me of the first time I cried in front of a meal which was during the first few weeks in college, eating alone in my room, it was depressing... As I was saying, I started crying, not just teary eyed but actual flowing tears with so much emotions just like when you are watching a touching/depressing scene of a movie,  tears just run down in your cheeks instantly. And just when the aura seems to be sort of sad already and I'm one spoonful near finishing the macaroni, I started smiling, maybe a little laughing, why? Because it was really weird, it was daytime, and no any other tear-provoking-external-stimuli, just that baked mac and well, I saw my face in the mirror, I looked bad. 

Okay, we all know that this isn't just about the baked mac and my crying episode, this is actually about my mother. I was inspired right after that moment to write something about her but I was not able to finish it by then and so I guess this is the moment. 

First I'd tell some stories...

Mother and Daughter Breakfast

When I was in grade school, we have this Mother and Daughter breakfast and we were to give our mothers a card and a gift. I can still remember what I wrote on my letter, not entirely of course, but a part of it. I remember it because our English teacher have to proof read our letters for us and she told me to change ashamed to embarrassed. The thing is what I told my mother was something I couldn't really say personally to her, much like anything else because she was somehow strict and so maybe I was scared to emphasize something in a non humorous manner that might hurt her. I'm more of a written letter type of person and I best express my self that way. Back to the letter, I told her that at times I may have expressed or shown in a way that I'm kind of embarrassed of her  actions especially in public situations, but despite that I love her for who she is. It was something like that. I do wish sometimes that I was able to acquire my mother's loud sometimes aggressive personality. My mother and I are really opposites, but even if we have our differences I love her very much. 

When She Cried
There's also another moment, I think in grade school as well (or maybe high school, I'm not sure) when she got angry with my brother. We were sleeping in her room that time and I woke up because of all the shouting. It became quiet and then she went back to her room and she started crying. I pretended to still be asleep. I don't know what to do, and if I did, I'd be scared to do it (yes, the story of my life, hopefully not my entire life). That was the time I knew that deep inside her always being angry and her strong and aggressive personality, there lies a heart of a loving mother who only cares for her child. I'd always remember that time whenever I feet bad with something that she'd done. I would just keep thinking that somehow she does things that we don't like, that may hurt us, just for the sake of protecting us, even if it would hurt her as well. 

Yes, there are times that I do think badly of her, that I tend to forget everything that she had done and sacrificed not only for me but for our whole family. I hate myself every time I do think that way or get angry (mostly in thought, I learned from my father to just understand her, keep quiet and not converse in a fight with her and just let the moment ease... I'd say it is much more like a 'tampuhan') with my mom. It's just that sometimes I really can't stand her. I feel that at some point all my memories of her would be those sad, angry moments I have with her... and that really scares me. 

The Things I Want To Remember About Her
I never really did write good things about her on my journal, well most of my entries in general are not about good things. And so let me take this opportunity to write some of the things I want to remember about her. 

She's a great story teller, she's really funny, energetic, very enthusiastic, sometimes she would over do it and add some things but who cares, we all love and enjoy how she'd tell them. I especially love her childhood stories. She was a naughty kid based on her stories.

She'll always tell us about how difficult life can be, telling us how their life was like before and make us realize how much blessed we are with the life that we have now. And then we'd imagine how our life would be in the future, with our big big house and all. 

She's a people person, people love her, you'd love her. I thought before that it was kind of ironical considering how I know her, but I thought maybe that was her magic, her mysterious way.

She's street smart. She'd pretend to be Santa just to grant our wish. She's the kind of person who does not think of what others think of her. She poses really funny on her pictures and a lot more...

Now, let's go to her cooking...

One thing my mother love to do is to cook. She love to experiment on different ingredients, try to create her own version of overpriced meals on restaurants or the yummy looking meals on cooking shows. That was her thing. I do love her cooking but sometimes her experiments are too weird for me. Whenever she makes something for us she'll always make us taste them even when we don't feel like trying them. Sometimes  we really refuse to but when we are in the mood we do try them but after we do, we critic her as if we're master chefs of some sort. I mean, I don't even know how to cook, so who am I to complain. 

And it was during the baked mac moment that I realized her cooking is much like love - her way of showing her love for us. It made me realize how much I have ignored the love that she had shown me. That every time I would not try whatever she prepared, I'm dismissing her love as well, every time I would try her cooking and complain, I'm complaining for whatever inadequacy or shortcomings she may have and not focus on the main thought of her love. And for that, I'm really sorry. But she would still cook for us, despite those things, because her love for us would not just be determined by what our reactions would be or what we do in return, for her love is unconditional. 

If I could just cook, I'll make her the best meal she'll ever have. But I know that even if my cooking would pass the worst cooks of every country there is, she'll still eat them with all her heart, maybe she'll pretend to and be all accepting because that's what mothers do... yeah that's one idea, but if she doesn't, I know she'll eventually teach me how to make my cooking right...make things right. 



Love does not always come in good and positive forms. It just depends on how we see and accept it. I guess mothers (both parents) do have the tendency to be really irritating, over protective, and judgmental at times (some forms of love that children don't get). I guess those things come in with the mother/father genes that eventually turns into reflexes. People will always say that they are like that because they have our best interests in their hearts and minds. I say, maybe they do... sometimes or partly. Then again, we may have misunderstandings a lot, but at the end of the day I know we always have each other. As cliche as this may sound, I would never ask for a better mom, for she already is the best mother for me.

Mother's Day

So much for a message for Mother's day right? I guess all I just wanted to say is that I really really love my mommy so much despite everything, and I'm so thankful for everything that she had done for me. I wouldn't be the person I am today and in the future if it wasn't for her. 

Happy mother's day to my beautiful mommy and to you whoever you are who is reading this say happy mother's day to your mom and every mom you know, okay? And maybe add a little 'I Love You' and 'Thank You' even 'I'm Sorry'. 

A day is not enough to recognize everything a mother has done to her child/children. I may not be the right person to ask for this, but let's try to make every day special for our mothers. 

To end...

There was this quote in Life of Pi which says, 

"All living things contain a measure of madness that moves them in strange,

 sometimes inexplicable ways. 

This madness can be saving; 

it is part and parcel of the ability to adapt." 

My Mother is my Madness,
 she drives me crazy at times...
and as the excerpt continues... 

"Without it, no species would survive." 

Without her I don't know how I'd survive.

Again, to all mothers out there in whatever form you may be... 

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Be my reader! :)

Comments are highly appreciated!