A Dash of Fear

                 This is something just personal. This was a requirement in one of our class last semester- Spiritual Nursing. We have to make a  reaction paper on this The Dash movie. We were allowed to write just about anything, in the language that we are comfortable with. It was not that formal, so  I really enjoyed writing it, for I really thought about things when I wrote this as a result it turned out to be  so long. I actually have no plans of putting this as an entry here (since I have no blog back then) because I really don't want anyone to read this (aside of course from our lecturer whom I passed this to and to my sister whom I would force to read the stuff I wrote), because it's really something personal and just full of negative stuff. It's just weird that most of the time, I could say things (rather write things) to other people whom I really don't know that personally (Well, generally, I don't tell people things, most of the time I keep them). It's really like there is this part of me that wanted to let other people know, maybe because deep inside I really wanted those people close to me, to know. Also, I would not have that awkward moment of "OMG, he/she knew that about me", since we are not really meeting each other that much. I don't know if I'm making sense. So here it is. Try to watch it too and reflect as well. It's really a nice video.

December 18, 2010

“Ibang- iba talaga tayo, natatakot kasi ako lagi, lagi ko nalang nilalayuan ang mga bagay kasi lagi nalang akong inuunahan ng takot, pero hindi naman talaga dapat…”

That was an excerpt from my diary. I wrote that after reading the diary of my friend which she gave me before Christmas. I’m really having a difficult time to express myself verbally or emotionally in front of many people or I guess other person aside from myself, so my friend suggested that I should really write about it because it could really help me release those negative aura/feelings I have. And I just noticed how my entries mostly include my fears about things in life. Now I’ll go to my point in this reflection. I don't remember where I heard this but they say that fear is something learned and it made me think of who would want to learn such thing. Why is there even a fear? It’s such a sad thing that I have travelled my way up to this day with great fear of things. This is really not a thing that I would most likely to share because I’m not really proud of it, but then that's what really came into my mind when I first saw the video clip. 

A lot of fear exist in this world; Fear of the past, future and of course the present, fear of death, fear of change, fear of rejection, fear of illness, fear of relationship, fear of failure and many more. Fears that could contribute to the improvement of yourself but most of the time when not controlled could also lead to its destruction. On the other hand, I also believe that happiness is a choice. It’s unlikely that God chose you to have this very sad, dreadful life; you just really have to choose whether or not you let those fears control and dictate your life. But the big question is how you would really know that happiness would prevail in the choices you make. For the past years I’ve reflected on myself, I’ve summed up some of the fears within me that I know hindered me to whatever success or happiness I could have. Here it goes.

Fear of the past, the present and the future. I asked myself, why fear the past? It’s already been done so you can just forget about it and move on. Well yes I can do that but what I fear in the past is that whatever I had done before would repeat itself or that I would carry forever a mistake that I’d done, just making things worse and leads to condemning myself to unhappiness, which is such a brainless thing. Fear of the future because you’ll never really know what might happen, you may be in control of the present which will eventually affect the future but then some things are never really in your hands. Fear of the present. Every time I wake up in the morning, I would always seize the day in a negative way. I’m a guilty pessimist. I would think of things such as failing in an exam, getting humiliated in front of other people, being left out. Fear that whatever I do today could really affect my future.

Fear of death. I really have thought on how I wanted to die, definitely I don't want it to be such a senseless death. If it would be something brutal, I guess being shot preferably in the heart, it seems dramatic in the films, and I don't really like something morbid or painful. I don't want to die from a chronic illness; I would want it to be a peaceful death. I remember when I was a kid they would say that someone died because they forgot to breath, now it seems ridiculous but then I thought of it as a way of dying a peaceful death where your body would just give in and find that happiness and satisfaction of letting go already. I’ve just thought that it's not really death that I fear in dying; it's a lot more than that. It’s the fear of judgment, that the time will come that what I have done in my life would be judged by God, if it’s not acceptable to Him, I then may be sent to hell which I believe is the scariest place to be in. It's the guilt that forever, even in my second life, I’ll have this feeling that in the course of my first life I really have not done the things that I wanted and should have really done and the fact that I’m dead and that I’m not going to be able to make it right. It’s the fear of being alone in the midst of dying thinking that it is alright for you to die since no one would really care and it really would not matter to anyone.

Also one thing I fear about death is that someone I love would die. Let me share something, this is a bit strange, but when I’m depressed at times, what I would do is that I’d watch a very depressing movie so that I could cry or I would think of a very sad thing that could happen in my life and then I’d just cry the whole night. For example I would imagine how my life would be without my parents. Thinking of it now, that it could happen anytime that they had to go already, I would see it to be something traumatic for. I’m really not that independent yet in my life that I don't want them to go, it seems selfish but that's the truth. And when that happens, I think I do have the chance of having an emotional breakdown, being always in bed, not talking to anyone, not even showing any emotions. I really don't know how to handle things like those; just thinking of it really breaks my heart. And I’ve never really expressed to them how much I love them and as much as I really want to express or tell them how I love them, I just can’t, I’m just so afraid or as I would like to say it shy of making those kind of gestures even to my parents. 

Fear of expressing myself. When I’m in a group let's say in a class or with friends or just random people around me, I would really observe how they act, their facial expression, how they talk and laugh. It seems that when you're able to see something physical from other people it somehow connects to what they really feel inside-emotionally. But then I also learned that it's not always like that, that also at times people would tend to control their emotions or expressions into something opposite of what they truly feel. And a lot of times I do that, so that people would not question me about how I felt, or why do I look sad and would just think that everything is alright because I’m not really into sharing personal things with other people. I always have this feeling that they don’t actually care. However, at times also, as much as I tried to cover up what I really felt, some people would still see that there is something wrong and I really appreciate those people in my life. 

Fear of illness. I always think that I’m still young to get ill. But then I’m wrong. As a nursing student I have said to most of my patients the need for check-ups especially to the elderly ones, and then the time comes when I was having symptoms and I was really hesitant to see a doctor. It’s really a shame. College has really been stressful to me that it may or may not possibly contribute directly or indirectly to the illnesses/disorders that I have. I don’t want to get ill because I don’t want to die. I just fear that if I’m going to be sick that I would not be able to enjoy life; that my life would not be as normal as those without illness or disorders. It’s just having a disorder especially at a young age could really affect ones future. Thinking of the disorder I have now, I could no help but to see an unpleasant future for this disorder could hinder me to a happy life that I could probably have in the future.  Now, I really have this fear of having a mental illness after a few years I guess. Psychiatric nursing had really made me think of those things and it really freaks me out.

Fear in relationships. I really hate this about myself because it's really awkward for me to have close relationships with other people especially to a guy. I tend to reject them somehow because when there are times that I know were going into something serious I tend to back out. I think that I don’t really fear having the relationship rather the part of maintaining it and maybe ending it as well or I guess I’m not ready yet, like I’m on the stage of “confused in my life and I don’t want any other things to make it more confusing”. Also, I don’t like people getting angry with me, so as much as I can I would comply with whatever they want, sometimes even against my will. But I don’t blame them; it’s just that I don’t like to be left out and be rejected and just get hurt. 

I also personally feel that we don’t have a close family relationship. I don’t really share my secrets to my parents. We haven’t really had a personal talk. Before we don’t really kiss, hug, say ‘I love you, I miss you’, now we do kiss, but the others still remain absent or frequently used. Those were really awkward things for me, and I think the reason why I don’t use the words “I love you” often with other people, because for me those words are meant for someone really special and someone I can truly trust. I remember in high school that two of my friends noticed that I don’t really reply to them when they say those words, so they keep on repeating it every now and then, but still I would just smile back to them.

Fear of failure. Since grade school, I noticed that I never wanted to fail in everything that I do; I wanted to stand out in my studies and in my relationships with my friends. I did everything just to keep out from failing. This led me to a high expectation of myself that sometimes I could not reach anymore and to avoid situations that I know I’d probably fail or humiliate myself in. This really hindered me to try new things in my life, to act out of my comfort zone. I really have a very low self-esteem, I never really trusted myself fully and I always doubt my capabilities and most of the time I say a weak ‘yes’ to people because I don’t want to fail them and a strict ‘no’ for the things I know I can’t handle or believing that I can’t even though somehow I can. Also one reason I don’t want to fail in life because I don’t want to disappoint my parents because they’d always say that we, my twin, are their only hope. My mother would always say when we’re kids, “haaay, buti nalang may kambal pa ako, kayo nalang talaga ang pag-asa ko sa buhay” and would also reprimand us not to be like our elder brothers.  Back in elementary and high school that was seem fine, since I could still maintain my high grades but now in college it’s like I’m on the first step on my path of disappointing them starting off with my grades. After losing my scholarship last summer, I do not really know how to say it to them and when I had the guts to and after seeing their reactions, I felt that I failed them so much and that I do not really deserve to study here in UST. And it really hurts me when I hear my mommy kept on saying “Ay itong mga anak ko scholar mga to”, even after knowing that I don’t anymore have the scholarship. And also there was this time that I really did a big mistake which I only told my dad because I know my mom would really get angry, but then I also knew he’s going to tell her, so they both came in my dorm and there was this awkward silence and when they’re about to leave, my mom told me “Anak wag mo na ulit gagawin yun ah”, I closed the door and just cried. It’s really not a good thing to do and I know that they don’t expect me to do that. It’s just that, the way I see it now, in order not to fail other people I chose rather to fail my parents, my family.

Now we have come to the one fear that must supersede all those fears. Fear to God. This is not the fear of being judge but rather the respect that makes us surrender ourselves to Him. The fear that would lead you to the antidote of all those fears, which is Love, for God is Love. This fear drives out all the other fears in me, and it is God’s perfect love for us that could make it happen. With every fear that I have to face, at the end I would always say “Okay lang naman pala, bakit ko ba yun kinatatakutan” and then I would thank God for I know without Him I would not have the courage to face my fears in life. I know that I can’t control my life and definitely I would not want my fears to control it, but there is one that I truly trust with my own life and it is God. For I know that whatever fear that I have, I know that he’ll always be there to guide me all the way. That whenever I’m in doubt of other people and even myself, God will be there.

                “God please be in control of my life”

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