Graduation Blues

This morning I cleaned up my laptop files. While doing that, I opened my graduation pictures folder, just to see again how I look in them. I was really not happy with them because I look fat. Of course I would not post here those pictures, just this one which is better than the rest (plus the wacky one). This is actually the only choice I have (from the five shots we could choose from) because the others were taken on an angle where I really look chubby with all those facial fat and double chin, (We are not allowed to see the pictures every after shot so we’re not able to pose well, and they would be the one manipulating your face and angle, making you think that it would really look good afterwards, but no! A bit unfair, I think) but this is better compared to my elementary and high school graduation pictures. So, I guess it’s still okay. Anyway, this is not about my graduation picture, but on how I feel about the upcoming graduation. (too early?) I know it’s not until 6 months but that seems to be a very short time to be ready. Aren’t you anxious? I am.

Ever since I was a child, an elementary student rather, I would occasionally think of graduating in college, so that I could work already, earn money and buy whatever I want, and because of the usual rant "I’m so tired of studying already". Now, that moment is only months away, and I’m freakin’ scared. I’m really anxious of the uncertainty the future brings. After defending our thesis, I was so happy and relieved that it was over and that I could happily enjoy the rest of our senior year, but no, it just gave me much time to think of the future, of what lies ahead of me. Also one thing that made me think of it more is when we were required to make a career map, where you would include your future plans for the next 10 to 15 years. I somehow know what I wanted my life to be but I’m not so sure with the part of HOW? would I be able to achieve them.  What's going to happen after graduation? Yes, board exam, and after? ahhhm? I know it's going to be difficult to find a nursing job especially with the increasing number of nursing graduates. Thinking of these things just frustrates me somehow. 

This is actually different from the feeling I have back then in my previous graduations because, here now, comes a phase in my life that I am supposed to be independent already. And I'm standing here, unprepared. Well, I do think that graduating college would be one of the biggest achievements of my life but then again, it does not only comes with the diploma but as well as a responsibility to be someone in the so called "real-world". I just don't feel that I am a real-world material already, i'm still dependent with my family, can't manage my time well, can't manage my money well, get so lazy most of the time, don't know how to commute, afraid to drive a car, can't tidy up my room everyday, can't cook,  stuff like those, it's complicated. And oh how could I forget, I think I still am an incompetent nurse or is it just me defining competence as knowing it all.  I don't think it's wrong to think that way, after all, it's life, we nurses are going to deal with. I know that it would take experience to be better, but you can't deny that at times your experience gain may be a loss to others, and I don't want to take part on something like that. It's just that when I graduate, I want to be able to say to myself that I deserve it and I am ready.


Anyway, it just got me thinking if I too will be successful in the field I am to pursue. Or would I be someone like Gandhi, Steve Jobs, Oprah maybe? I think I'd stick with what Caroline in the future could be. Would I make a difference in this world?  I want to,  I hope I will and I'll definitely would do my best to be the best person I can be. And I guess, that is just up to me. Wish me luck! To end, I'd like to share this nice excerpt.

                          You have brains in your head.

                          You have feet in your shoes.

                          You can steer yourself any direction you choose.

                          You're on your own. And you know what you know. 

                           And you are the guy who'll decide where to go.

                                                                    - from Oh! The Places You'll Go (Dr. Seuss)

Be my reader! :)